Food is Fuel.

In my sessions with my therapist, she often mentioned “side effects” from my eating disorder would be with me for life. Her intentions were never meant to make me feel less than adequate, but truthfully, I needed to hear this to prepare for those situations.

One of those triggers: Food. I had to change my relationship with food. In my opinion, as a society we abuse food and make food about everything it is not. Nearly every social event has some sort of food, typically the centerpiece. As kids we’re asked to finish our plates, even if we are full. Our days are planned around meals (breakfast, lunch, dinner, snack time). There are laws around providing employees with a lunch break. We celebrate our birthdays with cake. We are made to believe that fat and salt are bad. We should choose the Diet Coke over the regular because of calories and sugar. There are approximately 427 fad diets being shoved down our throats, daily. Well maybe not that many but everything from only eat during a 3am-4am window to eating 15 grapefruit a day has made at headline at one time or another.

I was preparing for my first marathon. I opted to do most of my long runs on Saturdays. Saturday night you could find me eating a cheeseburger, French fries with at least 32 ounces of beer and maybe a dessert. Some will read this and think oh that’s normal. In the long term, it was not what my body needed. I put on at least 10 pounds during this training cycle. I’ll keep the physiology and water weight out of this for now, but with the amount I had been working out, the scale was being tipped in an unhealthy way. My recovery times from longer runs were at least 3-4 days which did not leave many days to have a decent work out before it was time for another double digit run. It took me a solid 3 weeks get on/off toilets and walk up and down stairs post-marathon.

During my second marathon training bout, I changed how I nourished my body. What I realized was that I depleted my body during the longer runs. Even though running is a stress relief, it creates other stressors. What my body really needed, was nutrient dense food. Fuel that would make my body run like the machine it is. Not stuffing my face with empty calories as I justified consuming 2500 in one sitting because I ran 20 miles. After my second marathon, not only was my race time faster, but my recovery time was less than a week.

As a health care professional, I have had the privilege of working with 1 month olds to 95 year olds. One similarity they have, weight. If I had a penny for every time a caregiver or patient asked me about food and “if they could lose weight and stop emotionally eating, they would be healthy”, I’d be one wealthy woman! And I get it. I was the girl shoving my mouth full of dozens of cookies only to purge 30 minutes later. I still have days where I consume more food than what my body is telling me it needs but purging is no longer part of the process. There was a time I rarely went out to eat because I couldn’t control how my food was prepared. When I would eat out, I felt guilty and was concerned one meal would make me fat. Today, you will find me eating out more often but when I look at a menu I am not focused on the calories like I once was. I put more emphasis on what I am eating — is it what my body needs to function?

My relationship with food is a work in progress and that’s the beauty of it. There are days when I consume only whole, non-processed foods. The next, I want all the packaged and comfort foods! When I think I have it figured out, I will deal with another obstacle. My toxic relationship with food started at a young age and I am proud to say that food no longer controls my life. I am by no means perfect or believe that we all fit into one mold but here are a few things that work for me: