untied.

I was on the middle school basketball team. On the weekends, we played in all day tournaments. We would wake up before the sun, catch the bus which was usually 60 min + ride and start playing around 8 am. Games were more competitive as the day went on with the winning teams playing against each other. We were in the championship game. Triple overtime to be exact. I was fouled. Free throws are give me, hence the free. You should never miss a free throw. It is the same exact shot, regardless of court, opponent, the quarter in the game. The only variable is a player’s mental game. A fifteen footer that I had practiced a bazillion times. These shots always matter, but matter more when the game is on the line. I was exhausted. We all were. It was a long day. Our coach wasn’t going to call a timeout, but I needed to catch my breath and focus. I quickly untied my shoe to give myself a break and slowly retied it.

This weekend, I was scheduled to run 14 miles – don’t worry about pace, spend time on your feet were my instructions. Considering I am standing almost all day at work, this shouldn’t be an issue. 3 miles in, I was done. I was going through the motions, but I didn’t want to be out there. I tried to convince myself of every reason to turn around and countered with every reason to continue. Around this mile, I also had knee pain when running down a hill. Mother F*cker! Let this happen any other time, but not within 2 weeks of race day. I walked until the kinks were worked out.

Mile 5. I stopped again. I noticed that my right foot was sliding around extra in my shoe. I sat on a curb, untied my shoes, regrouped, tied my shoes and had to pull from everything I ever learned in my sessions with Dean. My words, focusing on the controllables, tuning into my body and focusing on how “easy” my turnover felt. That’s a bald faced lie; it wasn’t easy. Trickery at its finest.

I didn’t manage to run 14 miles, but I came close. And for me, that is a win. Recently I have shared messages with my coach about taking time off from structured running. We left our conversation open, I knew I’d have answers soon enough. Today I had 90+ minutes to let my thoughts race.

I have been divided about taking time off from running. I enjoy structure. I love running. Spending time with my friends in this capacity fills my soul. But I am tired. This training bout as taken a mental toll on me. Actually, work has but it has carried into running and is a story for a different post. Running has felt more like a chore and less enjoyable. Elliot and I have always been on the same page about running and when to take breaks. For the longest time, I felt I would be letting him down or that he may take it personally. But he didn’t. He agreed. One thing I appreciate about Elliot is his empathy. He has been in my shoes – shitty runs, needing breaks, maybe permanent breaks. He understands.

Today, I realized, or perhaps was reminded, my why more than ever. More on this soon. I’ll be racing in San Diego the first weekend in June. After, I’ll be “untying my shoes” with no set schedule as to when I will retie them.

Cheers!