When a choice is made, a change occurs. Even when the change is exciting, there is a part that can be a challenge.
Several have asked for an update on my life. I had been hesitant to share for a number of reasons. I wasn’t quite ready to let go of Texas. I wanted to wait until my supervisor had the opportunity to tell the team. I needed to wait until I had the mental capacity to put my thoughts to paper. As more and more people found out, the more and more I found my phone ringing. People either excited for my new adventure, bummed because I was leaving or a simple, “Can you help? I am feeling lost.”
As many know, I planned to be home for a month. The perfect amount of time to escape the rising number of cases in Austin. Just enough time to catch up with friends but not too much time so I didn’t feel like I was back living with my parents. And here we are, over a year later.
When the pandemic first began, some people had a hard time being alone and not being able to do what they wanted, when they wanted. Some lost their source of income and loved ones. I am not minimizing anyone’s story or situation. For me, the pandemic and “lockdown” is what I actually needed. I took the extra time to learn more about myself. I did this through meditation, journaling, breath work, long walks. What I realized was there was something I was missing. I always thought I was living out of abundance but perhaps my focus was on all the wrong things. I wasn’t feeling fulfilled in my current living arrangement.
I had a job I loved and was no longer living paycheck to paycheck. I was connecting with families on a different level despite only having met over a screen. I was weeding out my friends list, strengthening bonds with those who I wanted in my life. I found a new workout program that was motivating and fun. Even though most of my life was in alignment, something was still missing. I wasn’t ready to go back to Austin when I heard we may be returning to the field. The times over the year when I was in Austin, it no longer felt like the space I wanted to be in during this season.
I happened to see a note in my phone the other day about the pros/cons of Austin. While all of the things listed above was what I needed when I first landed in Austin and Austin truly has been wonderful for and to me, priorities shifted over the past year. I am much more at ease with stillness. I don’t thrive on the city lights like I once did. I no longer felt the pressure or had the desire to run a certain pace or be associated with a running community. Any sort of movement was what I needed. I desired space. Mainly physically, but emotionally too. The past year has been hard as hell in regards to emotions. I felt the constant pressure to be there for my work family while I stopped being there for myself. I did not have the bandwidth to give to both the way both deserved and I felt obligated to give them everything I had. Looking back, I would not have done anything different. It is what made sense to me at the time but now I realize, it’s my turn.
Accepting it was time to put my needs first was a hard pill to swallow. I have often felt guilty setting boundaries, telling others no and saying yes to myself. Regularly I tell myself I can do it all, even during times of complete exhaustion. I have had to intentionally work through these moments for the last year as it still does not come naturally. But progress not perfection! My therapist asked me to write down my priorities for life, career and living. A few things stood out: family, outdoors and community. Knowing that if I have these, all else will fall into place.
For now, in this season, I am allowing myself the space and time to experience just that. I am not sure if this is a forever thing but I am committed to a year of family, community, more mountains and intentional self care.
Everyone’s desires, needs, wants, situations are different. Here are a few things I have shared with those who have felt stuck on their journey:
- Don’t chase money. The money will come if you lead with passion.
- Write down what you want your life to look like. I recently chatted with my neighbors. His wisdom – On average, we live until we are 80. Why would we spend any of that time not living how we want?
- Write down what you want your career to look like. Are benefits the most important? Flexibility? Do you want to call the shots?
- What you do today, doesn’t have to be forever. Use it as a stepping stone to land on until your vision becomes more clear.
- There is no rush. I started writing about wanting to be back home for over a year. However, I wasn’t going to jump ships because of this. My intuition had to guide me and I needed to feel fully committed.
- Spend some time getting to know you. Solo travel isn’t for everyone or in everyone’s budget, but traveling alone helped me gain a better understanding of who I am.
- There is no harm in looking. You either find an opportunity that is better aligned for you or you realize where you are today is where you want to be.
- You do not owe anyone anything. This includes explanations or living out their expectations.
- Choices are gifts.
Cheers!