Joseph, Oregon. @taliajeanphotography
Close your eyes. Slowly breathe air to areas of your body you’ve been neglecting, maybe unintentionally. Now visualize a person standing in front of you in the distance. They begin walking towards you…
I attended a workshop with one of the founders of Almost30, Lindsey. I tried to find every reason to bail and listen to the recording. But I’m learning the more I resist something the more I need to lean into it. Lindsey started us off with a guided meditation. Once that person was close enough, I realized that person was me. She was walking through a field in the country, in a sundress, hair with just enough wave, sunhat and yellow daisies in hand. I started sobbing. (At the time, I was thinking to myself WTF? Until I opened my eyes to see several other women were going through similar emotions) The woman walking towards me was radiant. Giving off an uplifting energy with self acceptance to exist as is. No pressures. No convincing. Worthy. Smiling. Confident. Certain. Living abundantly. Fully embracing and honoring the every day beauty that is life.
Lately I’ve made compromises and I’m currently trying to understand if that’s me reverting to my people pleasing tendencies or my soul speaking, opening up areas I previously closed off. I have met an amazing man. We connect on levels I never knew existed. He has a heart of gold. He is the first to lend a helping hand. He is one of the most genuine people I know. But there’s so much uncertainty around what is next that we are pushing each other away. We both have our reservations and our concerns – falling too hard and it ending in heart break? When am I going back to Texas or will I choose to stay here regardless? How can we possibly make this work given so much unknown? – As he likes to say, I am whimsical, a figure it out as we go kind of gal. Whatever the opposite – that’s him. He prefers the confirmation. To think everything through. Explore all possibilities. I don’t fault him. It’s a lot to process. Being vulnerable and opening up to someone can be challenging. Inviting someone into your routine and space asks for you to restructure your day, your known. Even if only slightly, there is change and adjustment. Without fail, I’ll receive a message from someone encouraging me to close this chapter. Another one saying I’m “better than this and you deserve more”. I appreciate you always having my back but I am encouraging myself and others to hold space to allow people to feel and be rather than offer unsolicited advice.
I have also felt dull and heavy. I’m trudging through mud in boots 4 sizes too big. In the dark. Knowing any moment I may end up facedown in the pigpen. My workouts have been subpar but am honoring any movement is good movement. I’ve been overly exhausted, emotionally and intellectually. To be honest, not having any guidance with work and when we will return to the field has been stressful and weighs on me more than I have wanted to admit. I am creating a pressure on myself to have it figured out. To know my next move. I am lacking creativity, the one thing that ignites my soul and inspires me to show up daily. Creativity for me looks like journaling, reading, dancing in my panties to anthems and some jams that help me get in touch with my inner goddess and singing at the top of my lungs. I love to giggle, even if it’s at the dumbest joke. I love connecting with other humans and hearing their stories. While I feel like I continue to get further away from myself, I am honoring this season of my life and giving myself grace to navigate muddy waters.
One of the most beautiful things to me in life is we have the opportunity to write the narrative. To embrace these seasons of growth. Here’s what I’m learning about myself. When I am not centered, I live in a mindset of productivity, which I correlate to my self worth. If something doesn’t work out, I’m on to the next. It’s a go go go lifestyle. What’s next? Let’s grind. I do this in all areas of my life. If the relationship doesn’t work out? On to the next before fully processing the experience. If I have resistance around a job, I reach out to recruiters or old coworkers to seek out other opportunities. With my avoidance behaviors, I have failed to sit with these emotions. I would rather exhaust myself than take a moment to slow down and give myself the space I need to receive. I have been living in fear. So what if Prince Charming decides this isn’t for him after showing up and getting a glimpse into his soul? For two once strangers to come together and get to know each other for who they are is really powerful. I don’t need to carry guilt or shame. Why is the approval of writing telehealth into law guiding my decisions right now when I have the power to choose what is best for me to live abundantly? I have been searching outside of myself for the answers, for traits that I am attracted to and desire in partners. For someone to tell me how I need to live my life. To feel accepted. Seeing myself walk towards me, I realized what I am searching for is me. I have been looking for myself. I have had these qualities all along but my vision was blurred. It is time to allow that woman to flourish.
Here is what I will be focusing on:
- Holding space for others. This means not passing judgement. Giving them time to process. Zero resentment. Providing the opportunity to voice anything that comes up without the need to meet them with feedback. Sometimes people need a safe space to exist. It can be exhausting not only taking on their emotions but trying to fix their situation. I’m letting this go.
- Candles and bath bombs. I received my second dose a few hours ago and cannot move my arm. Prior to, I was instructed to rest regardless of how I am feeling tomorrow. A sign from the Universe….GIRL, RELAX!
- Journal. I resist this SO much. I’m a perfectionist. I approach journaling like I am writing a formal essay. I am vowing to put pen to paper even if I write over and over, “I don’t know. I don’t know”.
- Reclaiming my power. I have given it all away. I am living in fear. I am waiting for my employer and this man to make their decisions so I can then make mine. I’ve never lived that way. It’s not time to start now 🙂
- Sitting with my feelings and giving myself grace with any thoughts that come up. Knowing I am not required to come up with an answer. Sometimes things just are.
- Prioritizing sleep. Since January, I am lucky to sleep 5 hours a night. Then find myself on the weekend completely drained and sleeping 12+ hours.
- Staying hydrated. Nothing bad ever happens when each of our cells are full!
- Eating nutrient dense foods and taking my vitamins. I am happy to announce I finally have a shareable discount code for my favorite vitamin company. More on this later but Paragon entered my life in 2020. I knew I most likely had vitamin deficiencies between all the hell I put my body through. I love that Paragon provides personalized vitamin recommendations based on your deficiencies and priorities. Their customer service department is one of the best I have ever worked with and I am picky as heck y’all. I have been using their products for nearly a year. If you have questions, please reach out. If you’re interested in trying their products, use HAYLEE10 to save some money 🙂
- Last, being intentional with my actions.
If this resonates with you, let me know. If you need a support system and a cheerleader? I am your girl! I am here and you are seen!
Cheers!