February. The month of love for some; the month of hell for others. I never fully understood why we have one day where we celebrate love. Or we choose to hate Valentine’s day if we are single. Personally, I believe regardless of relationship status we should always practice self love and a partner doesn’t suggest if you are lovable or not. But cheers to the day we increase card and flower sales and hopefully spread more joy because Lord knows we need it!
Now that we have wrapped up Love Day, lets talk breakups. 🙂 Truthfully, I am a fan of breakups. While breakups can feel overwhelming and cause triggers, if I sit with my feelings long enough I start to have a greater appreciation for the experience. Breakups help us dispose of those ideas and situations that no longer serve us. The job you’ve been stuck at because pizza Friday’s have kept you coming back but you’ve lacked purpose. The boyfriend you’re staying with because of his cool car. The diet you swear by but leaves you having a midnight binge in your closet. The scale you turn to for validation of self worth. I find we get ourselves stuck, regardless of how dysfunctional, because the suffering is our comfort. It’s often hard to imagine our lives without our comforts. Eventually I came around to leaving my comfort zone and breaking up with diets and bathroom scales.
During the height of my disordered eating, my relationship with both diet culture and the scale were my strongest relationships. I was lost without the numbers on packages or the scale. My life revolved around food restrictions – when I could eat and how much.
Diets. I’ve tried nearly ever diet out there. From Atkins as early as high school to the South Beach Diet, Paleo, counting marcos, Mediterranean Diet. You name it, I’ve tried it. In my younger years, before I knew enough about fad diets, I restricted calories. I’ve discussed in previous posts how I often hid behind Veganism. There was a time I knew how many calories I consumed at any point during the day. Then the buzz of intuitive eating had hit the market. In theory, this is a fantastic idea but if you’ve ever struggled with a relationship with food, to implement this process is harder than just listening to your body. For the last however many years, you’ve been telling yourself a food is good/bad. You will only be skinny if you eat greens and eating a carb meant you would grow two pant sizes as the food made its way through your intestines. It is not a flip the switch when these unhealthy mental processes are deeply embedded. I still struggle with intuitive eating from time to time. When my body is craving toast but my head is telling me to eat the salad because I need to get in my greens. I am not suggesting it has to be one or the other. I am suggesting we take a deeper look at why we eat certain foods and how we feel after. Contrary to my original beliefs around availability in rural Oregon, has really helped with eating what my body is asking for. My family tends to eat differently than I do. Not good or bad but different. Bread is in the house. Avocado toast is a new dietary staple. God Bless a carb!! I also ask myself how do I feel eating a certain food; Does this choice enhance the moment? For example, I walked into my best friend’s house last night. “You want a beer?” Why yes, yes I do!! Moment elevated even more. Oh the freedom y’all to no longer carry fear, shame and guilt around calories.
The bathroom scale: another much needed breakup. The scale was toxic and paralyzing. I weighed myself numerous times a day. Each time I weighed myself, a different emotion rose. If I saw a number that made me feel valued, I would get me started on the right foot. I dressed differently. I felt confident in my capabilities. No doubts crept in. I could conquer anything the universe tossed my way. If I saw a “you’re fat” number, the rest of my day was ruined. I hid my body behind the baggiest clothes I owned. I was short with others and lacked grace for myself. I gave the scale all of my power. While I know we are seeing a shift in all things body, the amount of people who have reached out during the pandemic telling me about their experience with the scale is alarming – “I need to weigh myself to see if I’ve gained weight.” “I am seeing the number on the scale decreased so I am doing something right.” “Do you think it’s reasonable to weigh yourself daily?’ My response always is asking questions around how do you feel? Are you weighing yourself because you’re feeling good about your new gym routine and food choices? Have you lost control and have consumed foods that have an adverse reaction with your body, leaving you feeling like trash and caused you to believe you’re gaining weight? While there have been improvements, at least in my circle, we are inundated with messages that weight equals worth. If you weigh a lesser amount, you’re more worthy, more valuable, more likable, more important, more successful. And the opposite can be said if the number is higher. For me, I used the number on the scale as my daily affirmation. I weighed myself numerous times each day which not only decided my value but determined my next move -purge, eat and purge, or restrict. When I reflect on my scale obsessed days vs scale free days I am so much happier now. I don’t feel like my world is crashing down. I give myself the space to rise up to challenges and I have freed up energy that is used in more productive ways that allow for personal growth.
Some will never have an unhealthy relationship with the scale or diet culture. And for those of you, I commend you. For those of you like me who were obsessed with both and wanting to free yourselves, I applaud you for being brave. To cut the chains. It can be a challenge to let go of routines and thoughts that make us feel valuable, worthy and comfortable. When we are unaware we are not not relying on our truth and being in touch with ourselves on a deeper understanding, we lose the opportunity for high-vibrational energy.
Everyone’s journey is unique. Here are a few of my thoughts and takeaways:
- Why do we search outside of ourselves for validation?
- What actions can we take today to help us transition back to trusting ourselves?
- Your intuition (“gut”) is probably screaming at you, trying to point you in the better direction. Are you listening?
- Why did we give our power away in the first place?
- Are we consuming foods that elevate the situation?
- Are we choosing foods that make us feel energized? Less bloating? Healthy skin, hair and nails? (I have friends who cannot eat kale without feeling bloated. Just because something is on the nutrient dense list, does not automatically mean it is good for your body in particular!)