Another trip around the sun. Another year of reflection. Each year I set my intentions for the upcoming year. Last year I let the those intentions take up space here. And y’all! What a year it has been. It kicked off by finding my flow in my dream job, followed by my sister’s wedding, a longer vacation around Christmas and then bam. The Universe decided it was time for some lessons to be taught! She hasn’t slowed down for me to fully process a quarter of those lessons.
Last year, I vowed to step more into who I am. To stop being defined by what I do and letting those definitions dictate my future. I have spent countless weeks on changing my negative relationship with my body and food. It’s not perfect and the days where I take a few steps back is a reminder I am on the right path. When there are a million pieces to a human, why would my emphasis be on these? Truth be told, thoughts around my body and food exhausted me. 80% of my days were consumed by what and when I was eating – is this food good or bad? Did I run today? Oh you did? Cool – Permission to eat cake. The relationship with my body and food needed attention before I felt I could make space for other areas of emotional and mental well-being.
After I freed space on my internal hard drive, I realized how I have allowed others to influence my decisions and how their opinions affected how I viewed myself. I began questioning why I felt the need to participate in activities I had no desire to be a part of. Being an empath has its pros, but recently became a con. Why was I feeling a constant pressure to be “perfect” (as defined by some arbitrary BS) and struggling to find stillness? Why did I feel unworthy of happiness, intimacy, fitness, friendships because I wasn’t where I thought I should be? Why did I feel guilty when friends lost everything and I still had my job, something I worked hard to obtain? Why did I continue to build walls? Why was I no longer patient with myself?
I didn’t have the answers, other than I needed to further investigate. Wiring that happened when I was a child will take time to overcome. This year has brought a lot of hardship. It has also brought the opportunity to slow down. To sit with thoughts and emotions and put them as a priority. The time had begun to start peeling back layers. I started with mediation, journaling, self improvement books, breath work and finding what I truly wanted to do with my life and free time. I was becoming honest with myself, partners and friends. I love to communicate, some would even say over communicate, and these conversations were some of the hardest. For so long, I chose to hide behind layers. Turn on my chameleon to keep the peace. This choice never served me and I no longer wanted to be that person.
This is not a cohesive post. It’s complex. It’s personal. I choose to share personal struggles in hopes of it helping someone else, to help others feel less alone. Selfishly, there are personal benefits too! Friday I was in a break out session during a company meeting. We observed a role play scenario between an employee and supervisor around racism. We were tasked with breaking down the conflict – the good. the bad. How might we react. I wasn’t shocked when coworkers mentioned if they were in the role of the employee with a supervisor making racist comments, they would escape the situation and not have a discussion. I get it. It’s hard. It’s uncomfortable. On the other hand, if we always sweep hard conversations under a rug, we stay stagnant. Stigmas live on.
Being open about my journey to self acceptance has resulted in 4 really great conversations with friends, surprisingly all men, in the past 24 hours. It has been intense, exhausting and left me in tears. Those discussions have also pushed me forward. It has called me back to listening to my intuition, to look within.
In following my own advice, I am reminded the good stuff happens during our darkest times. This doesn’t mean I enjoy the feelings of sadness, heartbreak, uncertainty. But I know I have a choice in my response to each situation, understanding on the other side of the discomfort will be expansion. A few takeaways that will be coming with be into the next year:
- When someone reacts towards you, perhaps they are processing a traumatic experience. A time when someone didn’t communicate effectively with them. A time when they didn’t love themselves. A time when they lived in their ego. During these situations, I am working towards acknowledging their responses. I simply tell them thank you for bringing this to my attention. If I know them, I may give a simple apology to allow them to be seen.
- Looking at each situation as a gift. An opportunity. A friend yells at you. Your partner ends the relationship. Your employer asks you to do another task when you are barely keeping your head above water. Your political views don’t align with a close friend. Whatever the circumstance, as long as it is not toxic or hurtful, is an opportunity. A gift to look within.
- No one is to blame. This includes you! Stop throwing shade at yourself and others for responding in perhaps the only way they know how.
- Forgiveness=Freedom.
Cheers!