Let me start this post off by saying I am not an expert. I am not medically trained in this area. This post is simply based on my own experiences. I am happy to lend an ear and helping hand but if you believe you need something other than to talk it out with a friend, I recommend contacting a professional. It should also be stated that this post may not be appropriate for everyone.
The past however many weeks has made me feel all of the emotions. I have been happy, sad, angry, content. I have implemented a subpar daily routine. Like for many others, it has been a challenging time.
When the stay the f*** home orders (STFHO) began, I texted my coach – “well, operation: don’t get fat is underway”. This thought sent me down a rabbit hole about the impact of my my eating disorder and disordered eating. Why was I going down this trail again? Why when I looked in the mirror did I continue to focus on my “flaws”? Why did I have moments of feeling I lost all of my fitness because I wasn’t running at the same intensity/duration prior to STFHO? Why was I getting so caught up in wondering if my jeans still fit (they do, I made myself try them on). Why was I letting social media get to me? Due to this, I did some serious reflection.
While I am not currently hovering over a drain, some of my actions and thoughts made me realize that maybe I haven’t actually set myself free from disordered eating. Looking back, I began practicing veganism because of my love for animals. But being vegan allowed me to control what I was eating without any pushback. If I was eating “healthy” foods, no one would question my food choices. “I wish I could eat as clean as you” was common feedback which only fueled my fire to forge ahead. I wish I had the courage to tell them they didn’t want to, they’d only be shackling themselves. I put foods into good or bad categories. Even though potatoes fall in the vegan approved foods, I’d often put them in the bad, make you fat category (carbs). I have since allowed more potatoes on my plate but have the occasional thoughts that I need to limit how much I eat. I have also surprised myself. After the Austin Half earlier this year, I was out celebrating with one of my closest friends. We ate fries and a burger, something I would have never let myself do a year ago because it would have sent me down a spiral. At my sister’s wedding, another similar situation happened. I was so hungry by the time dinner rolled around, I ate the meat!! I later had cake, didn’t feel guilty but also didn’t have the urge to eat the entire layer of her cake either. Progress 🙂
I was also exercising not because I always enjoyed working out but felt like I needed to work out to avoid weight gain. It pains me to say this but the truth is, I rely (-ied) on running because it was a way to undo what I ate or would be eating. Saturdays would often be long run days and I would allow myself to eat differently on those days because I had burned enough calories on my run. It would be a lie to say I am free from those thoughts but they were becoming less until STFHO. I have had my fair share of moments of limiting what I am eating because I am not as active as I was a few months ago. This isn’t the truth. My days are full of movement and strength training but I have been caught up in my mileage which has been significantly less. When I remove myself from the mileage, my body is thriving on long walks and increased weight training. I get excited to throw around weights. I haven’t been as motivated to run and that’s okay.
I have been fortunate to keep my job but it looks different. I am on Zoom for most of my day and seeing my face and unflattering (what I feel) angles as I demonstrate to parents how to help their child. While I don’t weight myself, I notice I break down my body almost every time I walk by a mirror. If you’ve been to my place, every way you turn, there’s a mirror or a reflective surface. “Does my stomach look flatter/bigger?” runs through my head as I am pinching my skin to see if I’ve gotten fat. There are times when I leave my video off on calls because I don’t want to see what I look like. I’ll also bring up dating here, too. Yes, online. I am not meeting up with anyone just yet. Without fail, nearly every single man has commented on my body since STFHO. I wish I could tell them it often triggers a negative reinforcement, but I don’t waste my time on them. These comments reminded me of a time that I felt like I wasn’t worthy of love and certain partners who I thought were out of my league because I wasn’t a size 2. One of the relationships I was in, left us both at the gym for a majority of the day, specifically on the the stairmill at times for 4 hours.
My relationship with food impacted my friendships, especially around my college years. I often wonder how I even had friends and how the hell I am lucky enough to still have those kickass women in my life? I missed out on a lot of good memories because I was trapped in my own head. I didn’t want to be put in a situation where I had no control over food options. They would want to go out for dinner. I was always a maybe, perhaps I’ll meet y’all after dinner at the bars. I would often eat before we would go out to avoid being forced to eat food that didn’t fit in my square. If I allowed myself to eat out, I would look at the menu and know exactly what I was going to order even if it sounded less than appetizing. I don’t eat out as often now because I truly love to cook. I love the process of cooking and how a few ingredients turn into something delicious. I still eat out with my friends and don’t bombard my dates with my food restrictions when a restaurant is suggested.
I share this not for pity but because I know I am not alone. I rely on self reflection. However, I do confide in my closest friends and feel less crazy when I hear them say “me too”. So for anyone who is struggling, me too.
Below are a few things I have implemented since STFHO:
- Gratitude: Each morning I say out loud 3 things I am grateful for.
- Social Media: Y’all. The mute and unfollow features might be my favorite buttons. If I feel triggered, I stop following people. This means some friends who I adore (TBH) but their content doesn’t sit right with me.
- Listen to my body: there are days when all I want to eat are carbs. The next day I may not want carbs at all. I am more satisfied when I allow myself to eat a damn potato when I am craving it. So I eat the potato.
- Fitness: Some days it looks like a dance party. Other days it is heavy weights or a HIIT workout. I appreciate the vast amount of workout options with IG, but like, yikes! It’s overwhelming and at times I put pressure on myself to do several workouts a day “to keep up”. TRIGGERED 🙂
- Grace: This has been the hardest. I place high expectations on myself. I often don’t finish a lot of what I set out to do each day. But it will be there tomorrow and the towels don’t always need to be folded!
Cheers!