As I sit here and type this, I have Henley at my feet and my journal to my left. I’m conflicted. If you follow me on IG, you may have seen me flipping a coin to determine if I should go on a trip I have been considering. I started looking around at mediation and yoga retreats in January, but I’d get nervous and slam my computer shut. I would never completely let those desires disappear, but I pushed them to the side and headed right back to the daily grind.
For some this is a no-brainer. An easy yes or no. I don’t function that way when it comes to bigger decisions. I’m good at the decisions where I don’t have time to think and am required to jump right into action. The thought of going on a trip for myself gives me several emotions – excitement and anxiety are the biggest ones. My mom suggested I write a pros and cons list. I mentally wrote one, but never pen to paper (hence the dusty journal sitting next to me). I may will write them down later, but want to continue to be open and honest with you all as it not only helps me but in hopes of it helping you. So here we go…
Cons:
- Cost. I rarely spend money on myself for things I don’t 100% absolutely need. I have been a saver for most of my life. My parents will tell you I have expensive taste, and that I cannot deny, but I have always lived well below my means. The thought of spending large amounts of money is not something I am accustomed to. I’ve also been in the situation of not knowing if I would have enough money to pay my rent. It turns out, I didn’t, but I have parents who made sure there was always a roof over my head. I watched my savings cut in half in a blink of an eye and the thought of being in that situation again terrifies me.
- Henley. Ooookkkaaay! So this probably sounds silly to a lot of people. 1. I love him more than anything. 2. After he was attacked when he was a puppy, I promised myself and him, I would always protect him. I suffer(ed) from PTSD. For nearly a year, I would have nightmares where I was covered in blood and Henley would be next to me, also covered in blood, sometimes he would be breathing and other times not. A nightmare so vivid, I felt like I was experiencing it all over again. Many nights I would shoot out of bed, calling his name and sleeping next to him on the floor. As he continued to get bigger, I still picked him up if another dog ran towards him. Very thankful he is not as big as one of his brothers because 65 pounds of dog is plenty! I carried a lot of guilt from that experience and it has been a long process of working to let it go.
Okay, enough of those.. on to the Pros
- Travel. I love people! I love new cultures. I love seeing new regions. I love trying new food. I love being surrounded by newness. It brings me joy, creatively and appreciation. I do not know anyone who is attending the retreat, but the thought of getting to experience this with 30 other people truly excites me.
- Growth. I freaking blossom when I am outside of my comfort zone. When I decided to study in Costa Rica, I knew no one or any Spanish. One night, my roommate and I set off the house alarms. We sat in the front lawn with our verb books and dictionaries, trying to explain we were guests and please don’t arrest us! I never wanted to leave. I asked my parents to pay for another semester – didn’t happen. But I left with one of my dearest friends who happens to reside out in Spicewood Springs! The 3 months I was there, I learned more about myself than I had ever considered prior to my departure.
- Yoga. In January I signed up to do yoga every day. Mainly to see if I could do it but also to challenge myself in a different way. Yoga can be both mentally and physically challenging so why not? There were several days when my body physically was torn up from a run but mentally I needed mat time. On Sunday, I spent 2 hours doing yoga to prevent a panic attack. Yoga has become more than a form of exercise for me. I have found a way to incorporate the practice whether it be 10 minutes or 120.
- Self care. As my boss reminds our team regularly, we are here to serve the community. It can be challenging to serve others when I don’t take care of myself. It would be a week to sit with my emotions, to expand my yoga practice, to be away from the hustle and bustle, to give myself time for me, to recharge.
I’m still not sure what I’ll do as of now but I have a pretty good idea. I realized through this process how much I seek approval from others. I’m a people pleaser. I want my parents to tell me this is or is not okay. They tell me it is a decision I need to make for myself (after bossing me around all those years, and now they just stop?!?) A friend recently told me, “I wish I could be as positive as you.” The truth is, I have my fears and moments of doubt too. It’s okay to not know. Sitting with uncertainty or an itch you cannot scratch is uncomfortable. However, if my biggest and only concern tonight is whether I stay or go, life is pretty damn good!
Cheers!