As a new year and decade are upon us, I am sitting here with an energy I am not sure I have ever felt. It’s not anxiety, but it’s not content. My heart rate has been elevated, my run motivation lacking. I’ve never been so sure of who I am yet aware how I will look back one day and think that maybe I wasn’t really certain. When I began PT school, my boyfriend at the time mentioned how I no longer had emotions. I didn’t cry. I lacked passion. I missed him but I’d never say it because I didn’t want to feel or detour my focus. At this time, I would shove all of my feelings down into the pit of my stomach, built walls and thicker skin. What I didn’t realize was the self harm I created because I didn’t allow myself the space to process my feelings. Here I am, giving myself permission to reflect, to feel and be transparent. Not only to help others who may be experiencing something similar feel less alone but for myself. To give myself the opportunity to process and move through, rather than suppress.
Below is glimpse at my last decade.
- I graduated from Physical Therapy school, one of my proudest accomplishments.
- I began structured running aka hired one of my best friends to coach me.
- My sister and I went to the Rose Bowl. And I learned the University of Oregon fight song on the drive! We also stumbled upon the Rose Parade, something I watched with my family since I was a little girl.
- I fell in love. Then fell outta love. Twice. Maybe it was lust?
- I lived in 6 states.
- I bought a new car. Not for me. For Henley.
- I drove all over the country for school, rotations and jobs.
- I built the strongest friendships of my life. This also means, I cut ties with those who I no longer connected with.
- I witnessed several best friends tie the knot but one of my favorites was my sister’s wedding.
- I quit jobs until I found the one I love.
- I didn’t know I was capable of loving so much until I brought Henley home.
- I nearly failed a course -neuroanatomy in PT school. I was scared but more grateful for classmates who studied hours on end with me to help me pass.
- My close friend committed suicide.
- I became plant-based. I started reading labels, not for the nutrients but for the ingredients.
- I found a new hair stylist who quickly became one of my closest friends and biggest supporters! Love you, Amy!
- I have improved setting boundaries and learned the importance, and difference, between reacting and responding.
- I was cheated on and lied to, which built some tall, sturdy walls and left me questioning if I ever wanted to date again. But it would be dishonest of me to say that I wasn’t responsible for hurting others. Albeit unintentionally, it still happened.
- I won a massive giveaway on Instagram which led me to meet Danielle, one of my closest friends before ever meeting!
- I was honest to others about my eating disorder, something that weighed me down.
- I stopped thinking of my weight as an indicator of my health and worth and I’ve never been happier with my body!
- I raised money for a variety of charities.
- I attended A LOT of concerts.
- I went to my first game at Autzen – where the Ducks play 🙂 – and drank too much and somehow ended up with a sweet Oregon jacket! It happened to be Marcus Mariota’s last home game, too! GO DUCKS!
- I ran my first marathon and first half marathon. Running also is the reason I have stronger friendships and traveled more.
- My love for reading resurfaced after having my nose in textbooks for what felt like years! Okay, so it was years. Four of them.
- I said goodbye to tanning beds and thick, black eyeliner.
- I learned I am a “why” person. I want to know what your soul is all about and don’t care for superficial conversation.
- I say no more than I say yes (boundaries, right?) but those yeses, I show up at 110%. If I didn’t use my yeses scarcely, I would only give others 40% and who wants that kind of friend?
- I recently met someone who has provided me with a safe place to let my walls down at my own pace but who I actually want to let my walls down for. This makes me extremely nervous to admit. I’m terrified that I’m happy and that it could blow up in my face at anytime.
The last 10 years have been filled with so many feels!
Earlier today, I sent my training and season run goals for 2020 to my coach.
- Have Fun.
- Be Consistent.
- Train with Others.
- Variety.
These goals are also applicable to every day life. I plan to put less focus on paces and PBs and let the chips fall where they may! Here is to a new year and another decade full of growth 🙂
Cheers!