Recently I have seen more posts and questions around value and worth. I find value and worth are often interchanged. But do these words have the same meaning? For simplicity sake, I tend to associate value with principles and worth with a number that suggests you are a priority. Even though, the definitions are different, I am guilty of replacing value with worth on a consistent basis. Okay, so maybe not so simple but I am a complex person.
When the time runs out, your team wins if you have the highest score. If you have the top GPA, you are honored with valedictorian status. If you and your team run the fastest, you win. If you have x amount of followers, companies want to collaborate with you. If the scale reads a certain number or your measurements are a specific number, you are more accepted in Hollywood. The outcome of being the best is often glorified but does that mean those at the “top” worked harder? Are more deserving?
I’d be lying if I said I did not fall into the trap of numbers dictating a certain feeling of value (but didn’t I say that numbers are associated with worth??). If I can run x pace, I will have a spot with my dudes on the course. If I can keep my weight at 120 pounds or less, I will be a size 2 and I will be considered beautiful like Glamour magazine says. (Note: I don’t want to weigh 120 pounds. I’ve been there and I felt very restricted.) If I make x salary, I will have it all. At times, it has felt that there is a direct correlation between a number and desired outcome. “If I could just….” then I would have all of the satisfaction.
What I failed to realize was the subjectivity of it all. I started working with Coach Dean last week to improve my mental game. While it tends to be performance based, there is carryover to every day tasks. He had me complete an assessment before our first meeting. I was honest. So honest it was scary. The sentences I constructed and contemplated deconstructing to sound less dramatic and self conscious. But being a health care professional, I have embraced the more open and honest you are, the more someone can help you. I laid it allllll out there 🙂 I realized a majority of my self value was attached to a number. Coach Dean slapped me with some reality. It is a freaking N-U-M-B-E-R. It doesn’t mean you are in shape or out of shape. Doesn’t mean you don’t deserve a seat at the table. It is data. Every run is data:feedback.
This past week I have focused on:
- Dropping the subjective bullshit in all areas of my life. The lies I tell myself of being “(un)worthy” because of a number or time. “I didn’t do x so that must make me (insert any negative adjective here).” Now, I’m making subjectiveness (surely that’s a word) a thing of the past.
- Keeping things black and white. Again – Data:Feedback. I LOVE my gray areas but if I hang out in this area for too long, it causes unnecessary stress and anxiety. It either is or it is not. I’m almost certain Yoda said something similar! I limit wasting my energy on the buts, ifs, maybes and could bes.
Although it has only been a week, I have not felt this free in a really long time. It was not until I learned, and am still learning, to let the subjective thoughts go, that a major weight had finally been lifted. Letting go of what my coach will think of me on the bad black days. I have learned to value my body. It keeps showing up and pushing through workouts and stressful work days and is not 120 pounds. I have spent less time worrying about paces and more time valuing that I am able to run with others. I am choosing the black and the white because it is pretty damn vibrant. Come join!
Cheers!