It’s taken me a while to put this into writing because I don’t want it to be a pity party or for those closest to me, feeling like they should have done more. Mom, you are my biggest supporter and do more positive things than you’ll ever know, especially during that point in my life!
I was also hesitant, assuming I would receive the overused “you’re so hard on yourself” comment as we brush off uncomfortable conversations. To that I say ‘Cool, tell me something I don’t know! It’s more than being hard on myself. I’m not the only who experiences it. Carry on!’ My intent is to share my journey, let others know they are not alone and provide support (yes, please touch base with me :)) to those who are struggling. So here it goes.
I had been seeing a therapist for many months as I was attempting to overcome an eating disorder (more on this in a later post). My best friend and I stood in a department store, for over 3 hours, as I struggled to convince myself I no longer fit into double digits and I’d be swimming in a M/L.
You see, when I looked in the mirror, what I saw was not accurate. Growing up, I was shaped like a square. In my 20s I still saw that square and considered myself obese. Because of this, I told myself I was unworthy. Unworthy of happiness, healthy relationships and wearing certain running clothes, more specifically wearing only a sports bra until I could run x:xx pace.
Unfortunately, I am not the only one who has experienced the sports bra situation. One of my teammates posted in a group message, asking how do you all wear the crop top for races? I remember that being me. I believed only the fittest runners should have a race day kit. I had more than 15% body fat and should cover up. One day I’ll be fit enough to wear my favorite Oiselle crop top outside of my apartment but today isn’t the day.
1 year ago, I showed up to run a half marathon and I may have froze my ass off after, but I was going to wear that crop top I’d been holding on to since I moved to Austin. Here’s the thing, that crop top is pure magic. I’ve logged some of my fastest miles wearing it. But the true magic is in the courage I’ve found while wearing it!
Here are a few things I’ve learned:
- It’s a clothing item. It doesn’t define us and neither does the shape of our bodies.
- If people want to talk, let them. Then ask them if they want to try to keep up with you on your next run.
- What you often see as a flaw, others either don’t notice or see said “flaw” as a strength.
- While we’re on strength, keep those friends who tell you you look strong vs. skinny, hot, or any other bullshit word. Also, keep those friends who stand with you in a store for 3 hours!
- Celebrate what your body can do and spend less time on what it can’t.
- YOU ARE ENOUGH. YOU ARE WORTHY. WEAR THE CROP!
Cheers!